You still walk in my dreams
by tophbeifong212
Summary: Kana's memories have been erased, but her heart still remembers what it felt like to be in love with Hatori. She struggles to say goodbye to him. Hatori punishes himself and chases her in his sleep. Will his Spring ever come again?


When Kana says her goodbye to Hatori after she's been let go, she smiles serenely through her speech of apology and gratitude. But just as she finishes, she suddenly finds herself weeping bitter tears. Because she has no tangible memory of loving him and being loved by him, this confuses her. In the place of what once was, there is a lonesome void that exists in the hollow space within her chest, tucked away beneath her ribcage. The memories that were once tangible in her mind are now lost in a dense fog, try as she may to reach out and grasp at an elusive something, it always flees from the hold of her consciousnesses and the only feeling that remains is a dull sort of ache in her heart that flairs up whenever she looks at Hatori, like a wound that pulses every time it is touched.

So she decides that she wont looks at him any more than she absolutely has to, and she delivers her parting words looking squarely at the floor. It is only when she sees the tears dripping down to the floor that she looks up and sees him, sitting at his desk, unperturbed, writing away.

Sometimes she dreams of walking hand in hand with someone tall below the blossoming cherry trees and wishes to herself she'd never wake up because the feeling in her heart is so full, so precious, so familiar and so much better than her exasperatingly empty waking hours. She wants to cling to that dream for dear life but inevitably she wakes up every morning and feels as if there is a pulsing, gaping wound somewhere deep within her.

She has no idea why. It's almost maddening.

She had always been attracted to Hatori, drawn to him with a strange curiosity. It made sense that she'd be upset at being let go so soon, but to have it impact her to viscerally was nearly unconscionable. And so, it would appear that the heart has a memory of its own, a sad song that is hummed in dreams made out of the skeletal remains of a past life. In her sleep, she is deeply entangled in them, those wispy threads of dreams that float away into nothingness the moment she wakes up.

In his office, she stands before him and bows as she concludes her goodbye, trying for a warm smile but failing miserably. He is sitting down at his desk and hasn't glanced up at her throughout her little speech. Though slightly bleary and shaken from her dreams of late and with a general feeling of unease in the pit of her stomach, she made sure her words were open and honest, true to what she felt without overstepping any bounds that many offend him. No matter what he thought of her, she needed him to hear her thanks and hoped he would catch the sincerity behind her words, look up and meet her eye. But he doesn't so much as blink her way.

His steady hand continues across the white sheet of paper in an even script, line after unbroken line. She is used to his coldness by now, even though she had hoped to see herself break through those walls he has up around him. Briefly, she imagines she may have even gotten through to him at some point.

A nod of the head as she placed a mug of steaming coffee by his desk as they worked late one winter evening, with almost a trace of a shy smile dancing around his lips. She's been so delighted at that little victory. She was sure she'd be getting a full conversation out of him any day now. But here they stand. Perhaps her forward mannerisms had affronted him. She was his employee after all. They had a decorum to follow, rules to maintain. It had all been her own folly, she was sure of it.

Still, she can't help but admire him so, despite feeling something within her break as she stares at him sitting there, entirely unmoving and unmoved.

Despite feeling hurt and confused at so suddenly being let go from a position she had hoped to maintain for at least a while longer for the sake of respectability, she can not bring herself to feel an ounce of bitterness towards him. She knew him to be a kind and gentle man. Sometimes, she listened in when he would speak to his patients on the phone, without following the meaning of his words but just the gentle cadence of his voice that would set her heart aflutter. He'd talk to his friends too, a man called Ayame -well, he listened, for the most part- and she couldn't help but detect the note of gentle fondness beyond the annoyance in his voice at the many phone calls he received from this person throughout the day. She'd never met a man like him, coldly stoic to the bone, yet something awfully contradictory, something warm and calm just lurking beneath the surface of that icy exterior, something that told her would swallow whole were she to get too close to it. She felt if given more time, she could melt the walls in his heart and maybe, just maybe she could have a chance at love with this man she so admired.

She chided herself briefly for being so far gone, for loving it all so ardently-his silent ways, his devoted sincerity to his work, his lonesome self that cut a striking figure whenever she encountered him. His piercing eyes held onto a sadness too heavy for his years, a wisdom beyond what books could teach, a kindness that he extended to most persons he encountered, save himself. She was drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. She wished she could have touched his heart as he had touched hers. But in the end she was all gratitude for whatever brief kindness he had shown her. That he had let her go, she convinced herself quiet easily that there must've been something unsatisfactory in her work or her ways and it could not be helped.

Presently, she lets out a weak laugh as she touches the tears streaming down her face.

"I dont mean any disrespect, Hatori-san... I don't know what's quite gotten into me!"

She tries so hard to sound like her bright and cheerful self, to maintain that same steady tone in which she had spoken before but her voice sounds weak to her ears, being drawn from a place within her that pained without due cause. Kana was jarred at how shaky it sounded, how wildly her crazed heart was thrumming against her ribcage, as if in protest.

"That's alright." His voice is as steady and clear as ever, his words cuttingly brief. He finally pauses and puts his pen down. He gets up from his chair and takes a few steps towards her.

Kana suddenly feels foolishly lightheaded as she watches him walk towards her. Inexplicably, she imagines that he will reach for her and wipe the tears from her eyes and hold her close to him. She's so sure of it, she can imagine so clearly the vivid, crisp scent of his cologne and the feeling of her hands resting on his chest as she leans up to him. For a moment, she is so sure that this embrace must've happened between them in another life that her heart leaps in a brief, wild, sun lit anticipation. Her throat goes dry. He's just a step away and Kana half raises her hand towards him before realizing that he isn't stopping next to her at all. He's walking to the door.

Something in her chest constricts in a whip of red, shameful agony and she takes a few deep gulps of breath to steady herself.

"I've taken the liberty to call a cab for you... It should be here within the hour."

"A-arigato, Hatori-san. You needn't have bothered..."

"I thought it best that you leave effective immediately..." he trails off, looking away and out the door. His words cut deeper than ever, shaping her mortification into a burning whip that lashed at her insides with every word he spoke. She knew he was cold, but this-

"Goodbye, Kana."

He surprises her by using her first name, the first time she's heard him say it, and the last. The sudden informality catches her off guard but does little to quell the shaking within her. She'd said her goodbyes once already, and that was enough. There's no reason she should be making such a mess of this simple meeting -_last meeting- _causing a man like him so much embarrassment.

_"Gomen!" _She breathes out, her voice barely above a whisper as she turns and bolts past him, out the door he was holding open, mortified at her own behavior. This was not how she wishes he'd remember her.

The door closes behind her with a finality and she keeps running until she's well outside his office compound, in the main street of the Sohma Estate. She leans against a lamppost and with a shaking hand, touches her tear streaked face.

_Oh God Oh God what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? It's maddening, it's maddening..._

Outside, the main street was bustling with people going out and about. It was nearly the start of spring. Winter was finally saying goodbye. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and looks up into the sky. It was a cloudless blue. Down the road, the cherry buds were getting ready to blossom.

Kana breathes in the crisp morning air, feeling her heart ease up after the strange events of the day.

_I need to get a hold of myself! I'm... I'm so sick of feeling like a fool... if this continues, I think I'll die. It hurts that he doesn't see me that way, it hurts that I won't see him again... but it's okay... it's okay. I needn't feel so terrible about it any longer. It's over now._

In a few minutes the promised cab pulls over to where she is standing, but she's already decided that she'll be taking her self home. She sends the cabby off with a bow, and straightens up and smoothes her hair, lets out a deep breath she'd been holding, and begins walking. A breeze picks up around her, the skin on her face sighing in relief at the welcome coolness after the streaks of of tears it had endured. Her heart still feels heavy in her chest, but she's sure, she's so sure that with each step she takes it'll only get lighter and lighter.

_Let it all float away_

_let it drift off to the place where broken dreams go to die and rest in eternal slumber. _

_maybe once, before i leave this place forever,_

_i'll dream of it one last time_

_and visit the house that was meant for you and me_

_the broken fence and a child's play-things scattered in the grass around it_

_wedding rings sitting behind broken window panes_

_a bed indented in the shape of two bodies, entwined_

_up the staircase where my lost love lay_

_let me go and rest beside him, one last time_

Hatori sits on the floor of his office, head leaning against the door and arms held away from his body across his knees. There is a picture frame of a lovely brown haired woman grasped in his right hand, the glass smudged from where his thumb had been running across it over her gentle, smiling face.

The room is thrown into shadows by the setting sun, traces of light receding from the windows, away from his dark silhouette. In sleep, a lone tear streaks down his cheek and vanishes, without a trace of ever having existed.

"Hatori?"

Her voice reaches him through a curtain of sleep. He responds immediately, still ways deeps in his own mind but she has a hold over a fraction of his soul and she fishes it out of the murky waters he was swimming in.

"Hm?" He rumbles out.

"I like you."

They are in bed. Not close, hardly touching. They are careful about the distance between them as they sleep, so they stay an arms length away, only their legs entwined beneath the blanket. He holds one of her hands close, the soft skin of the back it resting on his chest. The other remains elusive until he presently feels it come up to rest on his cheek, cupping his face. He smiles, eyes still shut.

"I know."

"Is that all you have to say?"

She gasps in mock affront, and makes to pull her hand away but he keeps his grip firm. The one from his face withdraws suddenly but he grabs onto it too, and pulls it to his lips. His eyes are open now, and they latch on to her own bright ones which flit determinedly to a spot above his head on the wall behind him, brows furrowed but a smile twitching at the edge of her lips.

"As a matter of fact, Kana, I like you as well. Rather a lot. Rather too much," he raises himself up on his elbow and hovers over her, looking down at his love's blushing face. Her lips part and hand come up to his chest, holding him away. The other goes to his hair, brushing it away from his eyes in gentle swipes, coming to rest on his cheek.

"Just teasing you, Hatori," she breathes and closes her eyes as his mouth descends down to claim a slow, sleepy kiss. He pulls backs after a few moments, feeling he may want to crush her to him if they continue. By way of apology, he carefully kisses both of her eyelids, one by one and a spot on either side of her neck, just below her jaw and she laughs at the rough graze of his stubble that weakly tickled her skin. Lying back down, he turns his back to her to whilst still holding her hand to his chest over him. It's a bit awkward and messy, their situation, but he's so lucky, he thinks. So lucky to have found her... He can't find it in him to feel an ounce of bitterness at not being able to hold her._ This is more that I'd ever hoped to have,_ he thinks as he squeezes her hand in his.

"Kana, I hope I never give you reason to doubt how much I love you," he mumbles. "Being with you, like this, even though it is sometimes painful to not be as close to you as I would like to... it's a dream, Kana, it's like a dream I don't wish to wake up from."

She 's running a hand over the planes of his back, feather light touches and faint scrapings of finger nails, and he feels lulled back into slumber.

"I love you too, Hatori. Love you so much..." her voice trails off and he feels her hand on his back still as she battles with some thought within her. He thinks he has an idea what it may be.

In a few more days he will ask her to marry him, and then they will speak to the family head together. Those thoughts create a buzz of anticipation in the pit of stomach, but he must remain hopeful. He knows it will work out. He is so happy, Hatori thinks the rest of the world can't be otherwise. Presently, her voice reaches him again and pulls him back.

"I'm sorry I woke you, Hatori," she pauses and he feels the touch of her lips on the nook between his neck and shoulder. Soft, whispery breaths on his back, her scent all around him. "Let's go back to sleep now..."

_I was dreaming I was dreaming._

_My hands are smeared with my poisonous dreams._

_I dreamed I was me. I dreamed I was another._

_Between the two dreams there's no connection._

_Dreams give me strength. Dreams take away my strength._

_Women of my dreams, don't betray me, help me!_

_Can a dead woman dream she's living again while dreaming her most mutilated dreams?_

_Maybe now the hour of death has come, as my daughter Electra wanted, in the name of truth and family order._

_If I die dreaming possibly I'll die happy._

_And yet is that a dream of life or a life of dreaming?_

_Somewhere among dead dreams, I will keep on living, to keep on dreaming. _

_-The Dreams of Clytemnestra,_

For many months after Kana left, he avoided going to all the places they had been to together. He missed the flowering of the cherry trees that year, didn't pick up any of Ayame's calls to invite him over to the movies, didn't want to talk to Shigure who visited now and then to check in on him... Everything reminded him of her and it was painful and unnecessary. Even the framed picture of her was gathering dust in the bottom drawer of an unused table at home. For some weeks after their last goodbye, he left it out on the shelf where he could see her smiling face every time he walked into and out of his office.

He told himself he was at peace with his decision, with the knowledge that she was safe from him, safe from his cursed family, safe from her own thoughts of all consuming guilt. From what he had learned, she'd found another job as an assistant somewhere outside the Sohma Compound. He was glad for her. He really was. And if she was happy, that was more than he needed to go on in life.

The delusion lasted a good few weeks.

Where does the love between two people go, once it all ends?

Love turns to pain, turns to grief and burrows itself deep into his bones. It emerges at unexpected hours as a dark shadow that leaves him churning in breathless agony. His thoughts were nothing but a dark burden he wishes to escape. But he lets them bury him alive, knows he deserves the condemnation of the ages for the pain he inflicted. He takes the picture down and stows it away, far from his sight. Kana's haunted eyes of the past now chase him in his dreams. In his sleep, she still grieves and cries and cries her self into madness, an empty shell of her past self.

It was unbearable to him to see her that way. He'd felt love and loss before. When his mother died and he buried her, he felt the weight of grief and how heavy it could be. But his mother had left the world quickly. He didn't see the suffering of a loved one with her passing. With Kana though, it was different. He understood the pain of seeing the one you love suffer. He understood why she had spiraled. She had loved him, after all. But he couldn't pull her back. His soothing words felt empty and she couldn't hear them anyway. He thought if only he could hold her to him, if only he could _show _her how much he thought she was not to blame for what had happened, she would come back to him. But she was bereft and inconsolable and his soft touches could do nothing. Every time she looked at him now he searched for the old joy that would set her face alight whenever he walked into a room but he saw only regret and despair cloud her pale features. It cut through him like a knife.

In the end, he felt it was an easy decision. It was either her memories of their love, or her life. Once the reality of this dawned on him, he didn't really even have to think about it. It meant there was a chance for Kana to have a normal life and he'd gladly give his own life for her. This was a small price to pay.

When he talked to her about it, he felt oddly calm. She listened, crouched down against the wall, her knees held up to her chest. He didn't ask her permission, merely told what he was about to do. And she didn't protest. A part of him balked at that, the part that held on to the idea that maybe she'd put up a fight and want to work on finding a way to remain together. But Akito had been right.

_She wants to forget. She wants to be free._

"Let's go then, I'll do it now. There's no reason this has to go on any longer... You will return to your life, a fuller life. And I will return to mine." He places a gentle hand on her head and lowers himself to the ground, feeling his legs may give way beneath him. She looked up at him once then, and he was taken back months ago, to the times when she'd stare lovingly at him from across the bed, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "I'm sorry Hatori..." her now downcast head is trembling, her raised hand with fingers ghosting against the bandages on his injured eye. "I'm sorry I couldn't... protect you..."

Something in his chest constricts painfully, the breath is pulled from his lungs. Hatori gasps and furiously blinks back tears that threatened to spill over and raises his hand. In a flash, Kana crumbles to ground at his feet, her hand pulling the bandages lose from around his head.

_Rest now, Kana... thank you... thank you.. _

To whatever God that may be, he prayed fervently for her happiness in life, for her to find love again. A safe love, a generous love, a love that she deserved. As for himself, he'd learn to survive behind his icy walls once again.

By the time she comes around to his office to say goodbye, he think he has sufficiently recovered to meet her and say goodbye on a polite note. Her voice breaking catches him off guard. How odd, that she should be crying. He doesn't know what to make of it. In any case,she should leave immediately. And so he sees her out in that cold, detached way and watches her run away from him, face streaked with tears that he could tell confused her. He supposes that, for the time being she would be distressed, but eventually, her heart too, would forget everything it remembered of him. The farther away he retreated from her, the better.

Ayame and Shigure try to get him to talk about it, to grieve over his loss of her. But he thinks Kana had cried enough tears for the both of them.

Months pass, spring blossoms to summer and summer fades to winter...life goes on for everyone, same as before. His patients come and go. One or two inquire about that pretty assistant of his. Akito throws a cruel remark his way every now and then. But for the most part, Hatori has made his peace with his way of life, the dull routine of it all. But in his dreams, he sometimes hears the cries of little Momiji and Yuki, and sometimes Kana joins them too.

They weep and point accusing fingers at him. Momiji looks at him, eyes carrying a sadness beyond his years, forlorn and faintly shocked. Yuki's quiet sobs wrack his frail body, and he runs away every time Hatori extends a hand to him to wipe away his tears. Everything he touches turns to ash. He walks through his house and opens doors and sees Kana sprawled on the sofa like she would be in their last days together, head of matted brown hair downcast. She lifts it and he sees her eye is dripping blood down to the carpet, it's soaked through her clothes and the sofa. There's so much blood.

Hatori rushes to her side but she screams at him to stay away and it's Akito's voice coming out of her mouth now, _"It's all your fault! You did this! You blinded me and tricked me into loving you! It's your fault! It's all your fault!"_

He awakens from the nightmare in a cold sweat, sheets and clothes drenched. Sleep, his usual trusted respite, is turning its back on him too.

Months later, when he meets the girl called Honda Tohru, he quietly observes her from a distance at the school fair. Seeing her with Kyo and Yuki, he feels a familiar sense of foreboding as he watches them mingle and talk and tease each other with an easy familiarity. He notices the way their eyes linger on her retreating back, the way they smile at her words, quietly and to themselves and something moves him to act to caution her. What follows isn't what he'd anticipated. He overhears the conversation between her and Momiji in his office. Listening to her words of gratitude that she says through her tears, he is speechless. He notices a change in Momiji too, how he seeks solace in the warm friendship of Honda Tohru. Kyo and Yuki too, were differnt of late. Guards down, easier to smile.

She thanks him, bowing like another years ago, had but he'd treated her coldly then. This time, it'll be different.

_It really can't be helped, can it... this warm feeling..._

He decides right then what he has to do. Honda Tohru quickly becomes a person he wants to cherish.

_That child... deserves a happy life... and if it is here, with the Sohmas, may be it is what is meant to be... _

Seeing Kana that day, another shift occurs inside him and he feels the walls of ice shaking and breaking and something comes tumbling down as he watches he walk over the bridge, flanked by her friends, a bright smile stretching across her face, eyes alight. It'd been years since he'd seen that face smile, years since he heard her soft voice reverberate through the air.

So, his prayers had been heard. She was happy, she was really was so happy she glowed with it.

_I'm glad, I'm so glad you're happy, Kana._

When Tohru exclaims her answer to his riddle, and peppers it with her own bits of awe and wisdom, he smiles to himself. They icey walls around him are cracking and crumbling down, slowly but surely.

_What comes of snow when it melts?_

_Um...Oh! Spring comes! _

_Indeed?_

_No matter how cold it is now, spring will come again. It never fails. It's mysterious, isn't it?_

Later, he takes his car out and drives to the beach. The last time he was there it was with Kana. He'd forgotten how much he enjoyed the isolated stillness to be found there, removed from the rest of the world. The waves crashing against the shore the only movement across the otherwise peaceful landscape. He walks for hours on end, when, upon reaching a certain point he turns and looks at his singular set of footprints in the sand. He remembers from long ago, how Kana had danced in the sand right there, running up to the water and then running back to him. He tried to imagine the sound of her laugh, but it escapes his memory. He smiles sadly at that.

He remembers looking at her small footprints, next to his big ones, and feeling elated at the paired track they made over the sand before the ocean washed them away.

That day, she'd tried to kiss him for the first time and he'd turned away from her. When they got back home, he sulked on his desk, eyes downcast. She came in and set a steaming mug of coffee beside him. When he looked at her he saw she'd been crying. He grabbed her by the wrist and spoke, "You're upset with me."

She didn't make an effort to free herself from his grasp, only sighed and smiled sadly.

"Hatori, do you not like me? Do you not want to be with me? Are you not happy? You never reach for me, Hatori. We never kiss. It makes me sad. If I've done something wrong, please tell me-"

Suddenly he pulls her down to him so she's sitting in his lap and he has his arms around her. For an achingly brief, glorious moment, he holds her close to him, taking in her smell, the feel of her in his arms, his head tucked safely beneath her chin against her chest. "Hatori-"

In a poof of smoke it all vanishes.

When he's done explaining, she says it's her turn to talk.

_"It's scary, huh? Of course you wouldn't want people to know. Of course you'd keep people at a distance. Especially someone you loved. But don't be scared. Don't reject me. I'm glad I met you, Hatori. Falling in love with you brought me happiness. I want to be with you."_

All is life, Hatori had been told he's one of the cursed beings. Being born of the Zodiac, it was his lot in life to never find love with a woman and find happiness in the family way. He'd resigned himself to that, a long time ago. The crimes he'd committed in his eyes made him a sinner, so it was all for the better. As far as he was concerned, he didn't deserve something as pure as someone's love. That was all before Kana.

He cried as she kissed him that day on the floor of his study. His kissed her back through their mixed tears, first slowly and then with a rabid, consuming hunger. He bit her lower lip softly, kissed a trail down her neck and back up, and ran his fingers through her soft, soft hair, all the while keeping her held away from his chest. She pulled his lips back up to her own and sighed against his mouth after a long, languid kiss. The bumped foreheads and gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, brushing away stray tears. He stood and pulled her up with him, never letting go of her hand as they made their way to his room. Afterwards, she laughed out loud at his tired form slumped across the bed on his belly and poked his side teasingly. He found himself laughing too, as he pulled her down next to him and nuzzled lovingly into her neck, loving the softness and the scent of her, wanting her everywhere, everywhere.

His love for Kana, though a source of great pain and bitterness in his life, was not something Hatori would ever chose to willingly forget. She gave him hope when he had none, she loved him when he thought he wasn't worthy of it. More than anything, she showed him that he was capable of loving someone, too. And he had loved her. He had loved her so much. She truly was the Spring of his life. Enchanting, warm and so fleeting that before he could knew it, it had passed him by. The cherry trees had shed all their petals and nothing remained but the faint scent of sadness in the air where once lush pink flowers bloomed. His time was Kana was like that. Achingly brief and beautiful, but after all this time, he decided that he treasured it all the more for that very reason. He decided he's never miss another chance to see the cherry trees bloom again.

That day, sitting alone by the waves, Hatori cried after a long, long time. The ice within had finally melted. He let all the old locked up memories wash over him as the sun finally set, feeling a peace in his heart he hadn't felt in years. Hatori took off his shoes and then his socks and walked up to the water.

He'd never gone into the water with Kana, always choosing to watch her from a distance. This time, he rolled up his pant legs and stepped in. The coolness of the waves at first was too chilling, but he slowly grew accustomed to it and then it was refreshing. They lapped up at his slacks which became devastatingly wet. How foolish he was being. Shigure would laugh seeing him like this. Ayame would fondly smile and likely join him and create an even bigger mess. He decided he would call Ayame once back in the car. It had been a while.

The sun had set beyond the horizon, the last of its rays receding fast. Hatori looked on as the ocean swallowed up his footprints once more, and smiled.

_"Long since, the desert wind wiped away our footprints in the sand. But at every second of my existence, I remember what happened, and you still walk in my dreams and in my reality. Thank you for having crossed my path."_

_-The Fifth Mountain_


End file.
